Today.

Today I got peed on twice.

Today I pulled a stuffed animal out of my toilet, and there were other things floating in there too.

I am not joking.

Today I fell asleep and snored myself awake.

Today I thought if I could just squeeze in a 5 to 10  hour nap, I might be functional enough to carry on a conversation at dinner.

Today, before church, I took a smelly kitchen rag and scrubbed crusty snot and slobber off my dress.

Today I found out our two short-term placement kids will indeed be short-term.
They are going home soon.

The moment I find out kids are leaving is the moment when every part of me buckles. My heart celebrates and collapses in the same beat. I want to cry out “YES!” and “NO!” all in one breath.
No matter how prepared I think I am, I am not.

I never am.

Surprisingly, I will miss the hilarity of stuffed animals drowning in toilets. I will miss chasing a slippery, 2 year-old, bathtub-escapee around the house insisting he put on pajamas. I will miss hearing a sweet 4-year-old say in her squeaky lisp…
“That’th tho ‘mathin!” (That’s so amazing!)

Today I will cry.

Today I will smile.

Today begins the odd mixture of grief and delight.
Delight for a family being restored.
Grief for us…a family having to let go.

3 thoughts on “Today.

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  1. Hi,I found your blog and think you are amazing and you inspire me daily. We are also foster parents and have had five placed with us for over 5 years. None are from the same and two we have guardianship over and the other three we are working towards permanency and are getting closer all the time. In addition I just found out that I am pregnant. (shock of our life) All this said….most days are great and I feel God's strength in me and am so happy to be called to this work….but then there are the other days, like today. When their constant bad behavior and extra needs can make me feel nothing but lacking. After years of hard work and steady love I hoped we would be further along than we are. I know that sounds selfish but I was wondering if you also have days like this or if I need to do some serious praying and soul searching???

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  2. YES and YES!There is no way to erase what has been done. Right now, I TRY to focus on what we CAN do…but sometimes it is tremendously overwhelming. Children have many times been what tests my faith the most. My hope is that behavior is generally change-able, and hopefully temporary. If foster/adoption is your purpose…then God will give you what you need, it may almost NEVER be what you want (or at least that is how it is with me.) So, don't feel alone. I am in the trenches with you…or maybe just cowering in my laundry room..which is where I go to have moment of quiet! Email me anytime…I would love to exchange stories. And congratulations on a surprise baby!!

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